Even if it’s artificial happiness – it still IS happiness!

Hello everybody!

Thank you all for your encouraging mails and comments during the last couple of weeks. Even though I didn’t blog very much you all let me know that you’d be waiting for my return to Blogland and not desert me. Thank you so much! I can’t express how much this means to me. I love you, guys!

I’ve been taking what I call “happy pills” (sertraline) since before X-Mas. It took a couple of weeks for them to start working but I feel much better now. I’m still exhausted and can’t motivate myself to do much more than surfing the internet. But I’m still able to work and nobody at the office suspects anything is wrong with me. I’m very glad about this. I want to appear as “normal” as possible because my field of work is not tolerant concerning depression. Most people think that depression is only an excuse for lazyness and staying at home for weeks. They tell you to “kick yourself in the butt” and think they offered a great solution to your problem. I’ve always had trouble explaining depression to somebody who has never experienced something similar. Even Mr. K. doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me. I keep telling him that there’s no better actors than depressive people. We usually appear to be happy, we’re funny, people even like to be around us and most pile all their problems on our heads. Because we always try to understand and make everyboday else happy. But as soon as we are alone it gets really bad.

But I didn’t really want to whine here – because I’m really getting better. I will even continue with therapy soon. But before that I’ll spend a week in Florida which is a dream come true for me. I’m looking forward to eating conch (speak “konk”) and lots of garlic bread, to visit all those large bookstores they have in the US, to shop for yarn and crochet hooks. I’m still dreaming of moving to the US. I regret not having returned to Georgia for college years ago. I often wonder if I’ll ever find the courage – or if I should find the courage – to quit my job here and start all over in the US. I would have loved to be a highschool teacher (English Lit, World History, German). :)

I’ll be leaving here on Saturday. Our flight is on Sunday morning. We’ll arrive in Ft. Lauderdale on Sunday afternoon, I think. I’ll be back on the 20th. I’ll take my tablet-pc with me. Maybe they have wlan at the hotel. I’ll try to post then.

See, now I’ve written a real post! Doesn’t that prove I’m much better?

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Posted on February 9, 2012, in Everyday Life, On My Mind and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.

  1. WAHOO! ((((HUGS)))) Ugh, you’re going to be SO close but so far away! Next time come to NYC. We’ll have lots of fun hopping around the museums, dear friend. :)

    I’m glad that you are feeling better. It’s not the same without your posts popping up in my “feed.” Depression is complicated and many folks who have never experienced it just don’t “get” it. They think it’s a mild case of the “blues” and want the depressed person to pull up their “big girl panties and get on with it.” Unfortunately that’s not always possible. I’m happy to hear that you are taking the steps to make yourself strong and focused. Here’s to the Florida sun, may it work its magic and make you feel warm and happy! HUGS! Have a safe trip dear friend.

  2. Hey, it’s not “artificial” happiness! I know exactly how you feel. I was clinically depressed for many, many years and I also take “happy pills”. I fought taking those pills for a long time because I thought that crying continually and wanting to be dead was “the real me” and I should just deal with it. But you know what? Depression is an illness and we are allowed to treat illnesses with amazing medical science! It doesn’t make us weak or “fake”. We don’t tell people with cancer to tough it out, or shame them for getting chemotherapy. Doing something about your depression is not a personal weakness. I’m glad that you had the courage to realize you don’t have to be sad. Happypill sisterhood!

    • Yes, that’s absolutely how it is. I also thought that’s the “real me” but in truth the real me is a funny and happy person who laughs a lot.
      The “real me” surfaces more often now – thanks to the happy pills.

  3. Tante Fledermaus

    Someone once likened the “just snap out of it” method of dealing with depression as asking a person with no arms to punch themselves until they grow hands. It’s just not going to work.

  4. Oh, I was afraid you were going to say you were coming to South or Central Florida. If only it were the panhandle! That would be too good to be true. I’m just across the western border, so meeting up would have been a real possibility.

    I struggled with depression in my late teens and twenties. Thank goodness I took advantage of the resources offered me. It took years to emerge. Even then, there were still setbacks, but nobody should have to live out their entire life in that fog. Maybe the trip will help. Sometimes a new setting can offer fresh perspective on old difficulties.

    • Mr. K. and I discussed visiting the panhandle the next time we’ll be able to afford the trip. Mr. K. wants to see Pensacola. Maybe we can work something out the next time?

  5. Yay! Glad to see you posting again! Also glad to hear you’re feeling “better”. Having battled the depression beast from time to time, I know it’s rough, but you can make it through!

    Have fun on your trip! Maybe the Florida sunshine will be good for you! (and, maybe a trip to Michigan sometime would be cool as well!)

    (P.S., you’ve given me that mental nudge to update my own blog this weekend!)

    • We met a nice couple and their little daughter from Michigan on the Ft. Lauderdale Airport. We shared a table at the lunch area and I chatted with them for quite a while.
      I’m dreaming of visiting every single state in the U.S. before I die. So far I’ve been to Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, Tennessee, California, Utah, Arizona, and Nevada. So Michigan is still on my to-do-list.

      Looking foward to reading more from you in your blog! :)

  6. Have fun in Florida. I was born there. I am very happy to here that you are doing better. Big hugs and have a wonderful trip.

    Blessings, V.

  7. very nice post, i actually love this website, carry on it

  8. I’m lucky to have a job that is supportive of depression. It’s the workers’ health & safety board, so it would look bad if their employees were unhealthy in any way, including mental health. They even provide us with 8 free sessions with a psychologist per year.

    Your post and the way your co-workers act remind me of a case I had at work. It was a bus driver who was assaulted by a customer to whom he refused to open the door between two stops. So we prescribed the worker a few sessions with a psychologist. He told me: “You know, I am ashamed. As a man, and a provider for a wife and two kids, I never thought I would need ever need *that* ” (“that” meaning seeing a shrink, and being said in a tone of total disgust) I told him that he shouldn’t be ashamed, and that his nervous shock was caused by an event out of his control.

    And for the Mr. not understanding depression, I go through the same thing. I was a victim of domestic violence for 8 years before breaking free and meeting Mr. Mouse. He thinks that now that I’m married to a good guy like him, and got the government bureaucrat job I’ve been dreaming of pretty much all my adult life, I’m Cinderella-happily-ever-after, and that it’s his fault if I’m depressed.

    • Your own story sounds pretty hard to me.
      Unfortunately, most jobs aren’t very supportive. I’m glad yours is. Hopefully, mine will be, too – some day in the future.

      P.S. Are you a blogger, too?

  9. Nope, not a blogger. I used to blog when I was a teen, in the late 90’s (when they were called “online journals” and were hand-coded), but not anymore. Maybe I will start one in the near future, that would add another voice to the grown-up-goth community. I left Facebook for fear of my ex finding me, and I do miss the social interaction.

    • Oh, I know what you mean! I was stalked, too, and changed a whole online-persona. Got a new nickname, new blog, new accounts. It was really annoying but I wanted to get rid of this person.
      If you decide to blog again let me know! I’d love to read more from you!

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