Author Archives: Sal
I know, I have been very quiet here. I didn’t feel like writing about fashion and lifestyle because I was trying to get better, healthier, and fitter. Well, I don’t feel fitter or healthier, but at least I’ve dropped some weight.
Last weekend, I started playing WoW. I never wanted to play before but since I was a gamer once (ans loved it) I thought, what the heck, let’s finally try it! ;)
I haven’t been playing daily (which is good; I’m not addicted yet^^) but I’ve really enjoyed checking Azeroth out. Is anybody else playing?
Hope you’re all well? What have you been up to?
Our internet doesn’t work and nobody seems to be able to
find out the reason why. So annoying!
I’ve been an awful blogger, I know. :( I’ve spent so much time here that I didn’t have any energy left to keep posting here at Still Dark as well. I’m sorry.
But I haven’t abandoned your blogs, I’ve been a faithful reader (thanks to the gReader app), honestly!
Have a great weekend everybody!
Most people mention Goths and depression in the same sentence. Goths = chronically depressed people? A stereotype? The truth? I think not, but as it happens some of us suffer from the same illnessess “normal” people do.
When I chose this blog’s title, “Still Dark @ Heart”, I wanted to write about being a grown-up Goths, or, more specifically, about being goth in a grown-up / corporate world. In the early days of this blog, I did just that. But my posts changed gradually when yet another depressive episode hit me. Fashion and lifestyle haven’t been on my mind since the black hole swallowed me. When I wrote – if I wrote at all -, it was about losing weight, personal struggles, depression. I have absolutely no idea if anybody is interested in reading what I posted since last December.
Today (or yesterday?), I stumbled across a tagline which was something like “blogging as therapy”. Unfortunately, I don’t remember where I read it.
Well, here’s my question: Is it okay to use this blog for “therapeutical reasons”? Would you still read it if I wrote more about that scary darkness inside my mind?
You see, this blog’s title still fits me. Both in positive and negative ways. I still love the goth subculture, love wearing black and listening to certain kinds of music. But there’s also a different darkness which isn’t very romantic or nostalgic. It’s the darkness where my nightmares live and I hate it. So yes, I’m still dark at heart but my minds still very, very dark, too.
The reason why I write this, is, that I had a nervous breakdown at work last week. It was a horrible experience and happened in the worst place imaginable. Co-workers saw me cry, heard me sob, saw me hyperventilate and talk nonsense, constantly apologizing to everybody around me. I was taken to the doctor then. Still, I am really ashamed about what happened. People at work now talk about me (and keep calling Mr. K. to ask him what happened). I wasn’t able to pick up my car until yesterday so people kept wondering what had happened and why I wasn’t able to drive on my own.
I’m on additional meds now. They help a little but I still end up in that “spiral of thoughts” every hour or so. I feel haunted. I am really scared.
Okay, I feel a little relief about having written all that. Guess blogging really can be therapy.
Spending two weeks in Muenster, Germany, was exhausting on one hand, but on the other hand I had more free time than usual. I stayed on campus and only had a two-minute-walk to the conference room where the seminar was held. That was really nice because it saved one our of daily driving.
The seminar was about economy, accountancy, tax audits, and some legal foundation. It was as boring as it sounds…
Staying on campus again came with some unpleasant memories. I never really liked what I was majoring in and getting my degrees was really hard because I hated every second of it. But I made it somehow and graduated in 2007 – after suffering from a gastritis for 3 years and being malnourished.
However, after having returned to Muenster, I didn’t want to dwell on bad memories all the time. I met an old buddy from college days and we had lots of fun in the evening.
We watched a movie in this cool Open Air Cinema right in front of Muenster’s castle. Although it got a little chilly around midnight, it was such a fun event that I’d like to repeat it.
I spent most evenings reading ebooks on my kindle. I’m a big fan of paranormal romance novels, but I also enjoy reading about health & fitness, creative writing, knitting & crocheting, and about dogs. That’s why I decided to get a couple of notebooks and write down everything of interest I discover while reading.
I found some cute notebooks at Strauss Innovation. These were really inexpensive and I bought three. Unfortunately, I don’t know if they have stores worldwide.
Two weeks ago, my MIL had a stroke. We picked her up at the hospital to go home. She’s doing really well. She can talk and walk, but she’s still very weak. We helped her to get settled at home before she’ll leave again for rehab in a couple of days. Mr. K. mowed the lawn for her. Flo watched him at first, but then she diceided she couldn’t stand the heat any longer.
She found herself a place under the bench and slept for a while. She doesn’t like heat at all and prefers winter.
* * *
I already told you about some of my goals the other day (weight loss, getting fitter, making healthier food choices…), but there’s one more and I wanted to share it with you.
When I was 15, I published a novel. Afterwards, I was so ashamed about my “pre-mature story” that I didn’t tell many people about it and never attempted to publish something again (although I always wanted to).
This year has been overshadowed by my current depressive episode, but I finally decided to get back to my old goal of writing again. I’m not sure I want to try and publish anything, but I think it would help me to write again, to get little stories on paper and enjoy myself. I hope for it to be a kind of therapy. I don’t know if I’ll actually make it, but I’ll try.
Attention, Steampunks! SteamDrunks: 101 Steampunk Cocktails and Mixed Drinks by Chris-Rachael Oseland is free on Amazon right now. I don’t know for how long, so better check it out fast (and double-check the price!):
Let me know if you grabbed a copy, too, and what you think about it.
Here’s how I am doing so far (it’s a comment I left in The Professor’s blog, The Dancing Maenad):
[...] My first goal was and still is to get rid of depression. A healthy body needs a healthy mind, I think. I’m not there yet but I’ve started going to therapy once more.
My second goal is to lose 3 kg.
I have failed there so far.
Third goal: Get fit(er).
Improvement here! :) I walk 2-5 km daily, ride my bicycle, always take the stairs and not the elevator.
Fourth goal: Drink more water.
Success!!! I don’t drink coke anymore, only on special occasions. I try to stick to tea & water (both still & sparkling).
Fifth goal: eat healthier.
Improvement. I eat more salad and other vegetables. Still way to go, though.
I found an app which helps me keep track of what kind of stuff I eat, how much water I drink, how often I worked out (it’s called “Noom Weight Loss Coach”).
Personally, I consider BatFit a success.
I went to college in Muenster, Germany. This week, I returned to campus to take part in a workshop. It is strange to be back. I graduated in 2007 and had somehow hoped never to walk these halls again. I am glad I do not have to take all these exams again. I still get a stomach ache thinking of my years in college.
Later today, I will meet my economics professor from back then for supper. I always got along with him very well and we have always stayed in contact over the years.
I spend my free time here reading and walking through the beautiful city of Muenster, which is actually not very far away from where I live nowadays. Muenster is full of history. Lovers of old churches and cobblestone streets should visit this city and stay a day or two.