Yesterday, we went to the Candlelight Dinner I told you about the other day. Unfortunately, we were in such a hurry (thanks to me) that the outfit pictures I took turned all out to be crappy. I actually wore two little black dresses at once although you can’t see the one below the lacy dress. It was around 0° C yesterday and layering two dresses was the only way I could think of not to be cold and uncomfortable all night. I also wore a sparkly blazer which always screams “80’s!” and “Disco!” to me but it helped keeping me warm a lot and actually looked pretty good in candlelight.
When we arrived at the event, most participants were already there. Some of these have known me since childhood. One of them came up to me, looked at my face, and said: “Well, you finally started looking feminine, too!” I was too dumbstruck to answer, so she turned to my Mom and explained: “Really, her face has started to look feminine, don’t you think?”
I didn’t have much fun at the event after these remarks. I kept repeating these words in my head all the time and could not shake them. So, at 30, I finally look “feminine”? How did I look before? Did I have a masculine face until now?
I should have answered “Oh no, that’s only because I wear make-up today. I still look like a man.” But I didn’t. Because I battled the urge to get in my car and drive back home. Because I didn’t know if she was right. Because I wasn’t able to say or do anything.
So I spent 6 miserable hours pondering on her statement. I still ponder on it today.
Here’s one more “Sturdy Goth” outfit. I wanted to wear something black and gray again because I’ve started to really like the combination of these two colors. The cardigan is made from heavy wool and keeps me very warm. I wanted to wear a different belt but haven’t been able to find it since we moved here.
My “being stuck in a dark hole”-situation hasn’t improved although I really was able to concentrate on collecting instructions of gothic diy projects and knitting patterns for an hour or so. Yesterday, I decided that I’ll try to get an appointment with my doctor although I really don’t want to see anybody about this. This time, I just want him to prescribe me some “happy pills” and be done with it. I don’t want to talk with some gentle, nodding person who in reality has no clue about how I feel. I have an aversion to shrinks. In fact, I hate them.
Today’s “Get Out Of That Hole!”-Assignment: Buy a Christmas Tree & get gas for the car.