Sturdy Goth attending Candlelight Dinner

Yesterday, we went to the Candlelight Dinner I told you about the other day. Unfortunately, we were in such a hurry (thanks to me) that the outfit pictures I took turned all out to be crappy. I actually wore two little black dresses at once although you can’t see the one below the lacy dress. It was around 0° C yesterday and layering two dresses was the only way I could think of not to be cold and uncomfortable all night. I also wore a sparkly blazer which always screams “80’s!” and “Disco!” to me but it helped keeping me warm a lot and actually looked pretty good in candlelight.

When we arrived at the event, most participants were already there. Some of these have known me since childhood. One of them came up to me, looked at my face, and said: “Well, you finally started looking feminine, too!” I was too dumbstruck to answer, so she turned to my Mom and explained: “Really, her face has started to look feminine, don’t you think?”

I didn’t have much fun at the event after these remarks. I kept repeating these words in my head all the time and could not shake them. So, at 30, I finally look “feminine”? How did I look before? Did I have a masculine face until now?

I should have answered “Oh no, that’s only because I wear make-up today. I still look like a man.” But I didn’t. Because I battled the urge to get in my car and drive back home. Because I didn’t know if she was right. Because I wasn’t able to say or do anything.

So I spent 6 miserable hours pondering on her statement. I still ponder on it today.

Here’s one more “Sturdy Goth” outfit. I wanted to wear something black and gray again because I’ve started to really like the combination of these two colors. The cardigan is made from heavy wool and keeps me very warm. I wanted to wear a different belt but haven’t been able to find it since we moved here.

My “being stuck in a dark hole”-situation hasn’t improved although I really was able to concentrate on collecting instructions of gothic diy projects and knitting patterns for an hour or so. Yesterday, I decided that I’ll try to get an appointment with my doctor although I really don’t want to see anybody about this. This time, I just want him to prescribe me some “happy pills” and be done with it. I don’t want to talk with some gentle, nodding person who in reality has no clue about how I feel. I have an aversion to shrinks. In fact, I hate them.

Today’s “Get Out Of That Hole!”-Assignment: Buy a Christmas Tree & get gas for the car.


  1. Whet a stupid thing to say to someone! Please don’t be bothered by her comment. You look beautiful! I can’t see anything masculine about you’re faceand I’m guessing that you haven’t changed much over the years. Your outfit looks great. I like the disco jacket. Take care of yourself.

  2. whoa! what a bitchy comment! i don’t even know what she means since you obviously look feminine… forget about it! some people are stupid and rude.

    i like the black dress a lot! and that sweater looks so cozy.

  3. The worst thing about these commenters, that after a few minutes you come up with all the witty answers, you should have told them. My parents are shrinks, but nice ones, they don’t just sit around and nod (those are psychiatrist, who can also prescribe drugs), but make the patient do some constructive work, ask questions and even give homework.
    My mum told me, (after an old lady told me I look like a slut, and I told her that at least I’m not a frustrated old cow, who hates everyone who’s young and pretty)… so my mum told me, that you shouldn’t let them poison your life. If you feel good, all you want to do is be nice to people, and if you are frustrated, you want to make others frustrated, too so your miserableness wouldn’t stand out, and instead of caring about how awful her own life is, she can care about telling off other people.

    Hope this helps a bit.

    1. Yes, that helps.🙂 Thank you, Mary P.!
      You know, it’s just hard to ignore comments like these at the moment while I’m feeling so vulnerable.

  4. What the hell is wrong with people? You know what I think? I think this person got a nasty comment and decided to spread the misery. What is “feminine” anyway? I really hate this word because it tends to put women in a very small box. Do we all have to wear makeup and frilly dresses? Let put it in perspective: a critic told Marlene Dietrich that she wasn’t feminine because she had a penchant for tuxedos. MARLENE DIETRICH. So compare yourself to that! Actually you do have that Dietrick “look” to you. hmmmmm …. that commentator was obvious envious of you.

    You, my dear, look gorgeous and earthy … and that’s like comparing you to the changes in Nature, like a springtime storm. THAT’S fabulous. Feminine! HUMPH! You look like a beautiful, smart, sassy and wonderful WOMAN; and I would rather look like that than feminine. Idiots, all of the them.

    Now, let’s get to the clothes. LOVE the double dress, very nice. BUT, that sweater and belt combo is to die for. I really love your sweaters *insert jealousy*.

  5. That is just horrifying. 😦 I truly believe people like that are filled with insecurity, and they have to project that onto others to try to cover their own sad feelings. I know it’s impossible to ignore such comments and NOT let them cause you to question and evaluate yourself, but you will come to the conclusion that you are far better off than that woman. Next time you see her, just hold your head high and show her self-confidence and happiness. Maybe a little bit will rub off on her. Or she might just become even more jealous of you, but that’s her problem. 😉

    I love that lace dress! Very good choice for a holiday party. And the belted sweater looks so cozy and chic!

    1. Mr. K. mentioned the other day that that lady’s husband told him his wife would “only laugh in the basement” – a German saying meaning she isn’t very humorous or much fun to be around… Well, who would have thought…😉

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