Most people mention Goths and depression in the same sentence. Goths = chronically depressed people? A stereotype? The truth? I think not, but as it happens some of us suffer from the same illnessess “normal” people do.
When I chose this blog’s title, “Still Dark @ Heart”, I wanted to write about being a grown-up Goths, or, more specifically, about being goth in a grown-up / corporate world. In the early days of this blog, I did just that. But my posts changed gradually when yet another depressive episode hit me. Fashion and lifestyle haven’t been on my mind since the black hole swallowed me. When I wrote – if I wrote at all -, it was about losing weight, personal struggles, depression. I have absolutely no idea if anybody is interested in reading what I posted since last December.
Today (or yesterday?), I stumbled across a tagline which was something like “blogging as therapy”. Unfortunately, I don’t remember where I read it.
Well, here’s my question: Is it okay to use this blog for “therapeutical reasons”? Would you still read it if I wrote more about that scary darkness inside my mind?
You see, this blog’s title still fits me. Both in positive and negative ways. I still love the goth subculture, love wearing black and listening to certain kinds of music. But there’s also a different darkness which isn’t very romantic or nostalgic. It’s the darkness where my nightmares live and I hate it. So yes, I’m still dark at heart but my minds still very, very dark, too.
The reason why I write this, is, that I had a nervous breakdown at work last week. It was a horrible experience and happened in the worst place imaginable. Co-workers saw me cry, heard me sob, saw me hyperventilate and talk nonsense, constantly apologizing to everybody around me. I was taken to the doctor then. Still, I am really ashamed about what happened. People at work now talk about me (and keep calling Mr. K. to ask him what happened). I wasn’t able to pick up my car until yesterday so people kept wondering what had happened and why I wasn’t able to drive on my own.
I’m on additional meds now. They help a little but I still end up in that “spiral of thoughts” every hour or so. I feel haunted. I am really scared.
Okay, I feel a little relief about having written all that. Guess blogging really can be therapy.