Still Dark

Most people mention Goths and depression in the same sentence. Goths = chronically depressed people? A stereotype? The truth? I think not, but as it happens some of us suffer from the same illnessess “normal” people do.

When I chose this blog’s title, “Still Dark @ Heart”, I wanted to write about being a grown-up Goths, or, more specifically, about being goth in a grown-up / corporate world. In the early days of this blog, I did just that. But my posts changed gradually when yet another depressive episode hit me. Fashion and lifestyle haven’t been on my mind since the black hole swallowed me. When I wrote – if I wrote at all -, it was about losing weight, personal struggles, depression. I have absolutely no idea if anybody is interested in reading what I posted since last December.

Today (or yesterday?), I stumbled across a tagline which was something like “blogging as therapy”. Unfortunately, I don’t remember where I read it.

Well, here’s my question: Is it okay to use this blog for “therapeutical reasons”? Would you still read it if I wrote more about that scary darkness inside my mind?

You see, this blog’s title still fits me. Both in positive and negative ways. I still love the goth subculture, love wearing black and listening to certain kinds of music. But there’s also a different darkness which isn’t very romantic or nostalgic. It’s the darkness where my nightmares live and I hate it. So yes, I’m still dark at heart but my minds still very, very dark, too.

The reason why I write this, is, that I had a nervous breakdown at work last week. It was a horrible experience and happened in the worst place imaginable. Co-workers saw me cry, heard me sob, saw me hyperventilate and talk nonsense, constantly apologizing to everybody around me. I was taken to the doctor then. Still, I am really ashamed about what happened. People at work now talk about me (and keep calling Mr. K. to ask him what happened). I wasn’t able to pick up my car until yesterday so people kept wondering what had happened and why I wasn’t able to drive on my own.

I’m on additional meds now. They help a little but I still end up in that “spiral of thoughts” every hour or so. I feel haunted. I am really scared.

Okay, I feel a little relief about having written all that. Guess blogging really can be therapy.

14 comments

  1. It is funny that people think that all goths are depressed, while in therapy and in mental hospitals where I have been, I barely see any other goths.

    As for blogging as therapy.. I use my blog sometimes as therapy too. It is great to write and let your thoughts go out. I usually feel much better when I have written such blog post.
    But I also have a private, offline paper journal which I use to write about even more personal stuff, which I don’t want to post on my blog (yet). That helps me a lot too.

    So if you want to use your blog for therapeutic reasons, I think you should. If it helps you, it is only great. And a lot of people are struggling with depressions, so sometimes it is also helpful to others to read that they are not alone in this.

    Anyways, I really hope you feel better soon!

    1. Thank you, VelvetBat. Your comment is very encouraging and I’m grateful for your feedback.
      I have an “offline journal”, too. I have been writing things down since I was a child. It can help sort one’s thoughts.

  2. Absolutely, you should use your blog in whatever way will bring more fulfillment to your life. Your blog should be a reflection of you, and true to yourself. Some people aren’t comfortable sharing the down side of themselves online, but those who are comfortable with it and get some benefit from it absolutely should take advantage of that! I think you will find a LOT of supportive people out there in this little community.

    1. You are absolutely right, Kitty, the comments to my post already show there’s a very supportive community out there. Sometimes I’m just so confused I’m not sure what I should or shouldn’t write about.

  3. Dear Sal. I can’t help but cry when I read this post. I think you are a very brave person that even if you had your breakdown and depression, you can speak about it. I know it’s wrong but so many people are ashamed of their depression and society in common still have prejudices about mental illness. The other reason I think you are brave are because that I have kept my own depression as a huge secret. I have mentioned it to some, yes, but only Johan knows which expressions it has take, and I’m not able to talk about it at all. He want’s me to see a psychologist but I refuse. Therefor dear Sal, if you speak ,you’ll help those quiet ones who also feel dark on the inside and maybe the others can understand how it feels a little bit more. I’m sure your readers can give you lot’s of positive things and encouragement as well.
    What I read is that you have supportive colleagues (or at least I hope so). I hope that it is ok to be a little down where you work. We use to say that the depressed person is the best actor, because he plays the cheerful one.
    Lots of warm hugs to you.❤

    1. Thank you so much! Nobody has ever called me brave. It feels nice.
      I know why you don’t want to see a shrink. I didn’t want to at first, too. I’m still not sure he’s helping at all but time will tell, I guess.
      What are you doing to find a little relief? Do you have an old-fashioned diary, too? Or do you really keep it all to yourself?

      1. Well I have an Inner dialogue with myself and I’m aware of why I feeling down and act the way I do. I don’t know if another person could give me the answer of how to get happier. No I don’t write a diary, I did when I was a teenager and it’s so sad to read it now. Don’t know if I would let the kids see it when I die😉. So I keep my thoughts for myself, I have no one to speek things like that with.

  4. To answer both your questions, yes, it’s okay to write about your depression and the darkness in your mind; and yes, I will keep reading your blog. *hugs* Feel better soon.

  5. I’ve been using my blog as a kind of therapy. It makes me feel more accountable to do the things I say I will. It’s helping me create a sense of individual identity separate from the one I’d created before. (My Darkling Husband is bipolar 2.) If having other people read your words -of darkness, or light, or depression, or triumph – helps you feel connected without having to go outside, then do that. I’m with everyone else who’s commented; I am honored to read it.
    My Very Bad Day Song is “Coming Undone,” by Korn. You can try it out for yourself if you want.

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